Thursday, June 20, 2013

Well... my birthday has gotten off to a rather shitty start.

Literally.

I fell asleep last night at about 10:30 or so.  It wasn't easy, because I'd run out of Advil PM and the dogs were in the bed.  Arran had been on the side I like to lie on, which is the "wrong" side because he ends up in my face which makes it hard to breathe.  Zane was constantly licking and chewing himself, which was noisy and annoying.  Zane has allergies that have flared up in a big way which has led to sore paws and itchy spots on his coat.

I managed to get Arran to move to the middle and then dozed off.  Sometime after midnight, my pinky landed in something mushy.  I woke up and started swearing.  When I turned on the light, I could see that some dog shit had been mashed into my favorite sheets.  I'm guessing Arran was the culprit, since sometimes he poops involuntarily.  I kicked my husband and the two dogs out of bed so I could change the sheets and wash the ones that got soiled.  Arran retreated to his crate, only to come back a couple of hours later when Bill got up to go to work and took the dogs out.

I slept rather fitfully for a couple more hours.  At about 6:00, I woke up needing to go to the bathroom. I went, but then had to go two more times.  I guess my colon was doing a big purge as it often does first thing in the morning.  By the time I was done with that, I was wide awake and going back to sleep was out of the question.

I took out the trash, fed the dogs, fixed some coffee, and then took the dogs out for a potty break.  As we rounded the loop of our driveway, I started coughing uncontrollably.  I, too, have allergies.  The coughing was violent enough that I suddenly got very nauseated.  Since there was nothing in my stomach, I knew I'd be dry heaving... and when I dry heave, it's often so violent that I end up peeing myself.  This morning was no exception.  And since I was outside with the dogs, it basically meant wetting my pants while standing in my front yard.

Sure enough, I started coughing and got that horrible telltale nauseated feeling that said that puking was about to happen.  I retched, and felt the pee start to come.  Looking around, I noticed that there was no one around... one of the many blessings of living in the country, surrounded by many trees.  So I just pulled off my shorts while standing in the front yard...  I stood there in my underwear, throwing up and peeing at the same time while holding two hounds on flex-leashes... on my 41st birthday.  I guess the only thing that would have made this worse was if I'd had diarrhea and my period too... and if we lived in the suburbs.

It's humbling turning 41.  Guess I better start doing my kegels and/or invest in some Poise.  Thankfully, this only seems to happen when I dry heave first thing in the morning.


And just to make my morning complete, my friend Donna posted the "Anthem of Defecation" on my Facebook...


Okay, so it's the actual piece being very well performed at Westminster Choir College...  

5 comments:

  1. Nice. The joys of middle age. Best wishes anyway. There's nothing a cold beer can't fix on your birthday so enjoy. How you bin?

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    1. Hey there, Paul! Long time no see!

      We've been doing pretty well. Recently got back from Italy and Greece, which I wrote about on my travel blog. Been uploading songs on my YouTube channel...

      Getting ready to move again at the end of July. And I've even launched a career in porn... ;)

      Despite this morning's difficulties, I have a feeling the day will end on a nice note.

      Thanks for the birthday wish! Nice to see you again!

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    2. Give me a link to your channel, I'm glad you're keeping up the singing.
      I'm going to ask a favour. I've started work on a synopsis for a screenplay - it'll be just a rough draft, setting the background to the story and laying it down scene by scene. No dialogue as yet. I'm sending it to a few people to get some feedback and with your experience I'd appreciate your thoughts. How's that sound? It won't be a long piece, 5,6, pages tops.

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  2. Sure, I'd be happy to help with that.

    And if you want to see the videos, you can visit my Dungeon of the Past blog. I put some of the videos up there and that will lead you to my channel. Just be warned that the videos are not really the focus... I mostly just put photos up so I could have a way to post the songs.

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    Replies
    1. Great. I'll be in touch about how to get it to you. Might be a while - still writing the damn thing. I'll check out those vids.

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